Unwanted...........

From the time I was conceived I was not wanted.. people might think that it is a little overstated. but no.. I was conceived out of wedlock.. my mother was young. My father walked away. So I was adopted out.
There started the feeling of being unwanted. And although I was adoped into a family, desperate for a girl baby... that feel never goes away.

I only found out recently that when I was a child and my "family' were going away. I would sit in the car while it was being packed scared that I would be left behind.
It doesn't change too much today.... I have a feeling of being unwanted. Ok my husband says he needs me (he's useless, so he says) so therefore the kids "need" me.. but you know, when I was in hospital for a week, unplanned.. he coped just fine!
my family.... yeah its hard to get around the feeling.. my adopted mum died when I was 13.. so that makes it a different story. My dad remarried and I became a part of a "step"family.
I always feel a yearning for belonging. My step mother says I am like one of her children.
pity the rest of them don't feel the same way.
I had become a little closer to my step brother in the last 6mo.. he had been a huge help. then it hit me hard.... He introduced himself as a friend.. and there you have it. the truth is out!!
If you know someone is not doing so good.. do you message and say.. hey how u going? I would... but I guess that shows I actually care. So I waited.. I had a chit chat.. asked how he was.. nothing. I have my answer.
I'm rambling.. I know... but since this blog isn't advertised it doesn't matter.
So in wrap up.... I have a bio family... I'm not important to them. I have an adopted family... I'm not important to them either. I have a step family who couldn't care less.. and then there is MY family.. who could live with out me..

Life is a journey...

Whether we want it to be or not, our life is a journey. going from one place to another, with plenty happening in the middle
My Journey is one that I'm not enjoying. I would love for my journey to come to an abrupt end.
People could look at me and think my life is great.. I have a husband.. I have kids.. I appear to be happy but deep down, I'm miserable. And I don't know how I can change, let alone change to what.

where to begin?? I hate everything about myself.. From the way I look, the size I am.. to the way my mind is. I don't believe I do anything well.. I have needs that are never met. But I don't even think I am worthy enough of them being met. Sometimes I even believe that I don't deserve to even eat I am that worthless.

My blog.. it will be how I feel about different things. depending on where I am in my cycle of depression. even when I'm feeling my best My self worth is MIA..